The Holidays may seem far away, but they are quickly approaching!  Christmas and New Years are festive and fun for most people.  However for others, it can be a difficult season. Our media unknowingly puts pressure on people to have joyful holidays.  Therefore, individuals often believe if their family does not live up to these expectations there is something wrong.

The holidays are also when we see a rise in depression, suicide and self-destructive behavior.  The causes vary tremendously.  Some people struggle because they have lost loved ones and are remembering holidays past where they enjoyed their presence.  This can be especially difficult for people who have lost someone in the last year and this is their first holiday without their loved one.

Next, people struggle because their family is dysfunctional.  Family members may drink too much, there may be fighting and screaming, or families may even not get together due to unresolved conflict.

New Years, too, can create an environment of pain.  People look back on a year of unfulfilled dreams and promises to themselves.  People who have recently had families break up may feel alone.

Stenzel Clinical is here to help you and your family with any struggles you may have through out the holiday season.

Jennifer Stenzel, MA LCPC

During a recent training seminar for my full-time position as an Intact Family Case Manager, I was reminded why pornography is such an important issue to tackle through my job as a professional counselor. My fellow trainees and I were sitting in a room discussing various cases that could potentially be safety issues within the family.  As the case examples filed through, we eventually came upon a fictional case (we’ll call it the Bobby case) where a teenage boy (”Bobby”) was fearful of his father because his father stated he had physically punished Bobby, a 13 year old male, and was not finished with him.  Why?  The son had been caught looking at Playboy magazines.  My trainer led into the case by stating, “Ok, let’s look into the ‘Bobby case,’ whose parents won’t let him be a boy.”  Needless to say, I was shocked because of three basic assumptions that can be deduced from such a perspective.

1.  Male homo sapiens are on this planet to be pleased immediately, despite what boundaries or structures are in place to prohibit certain behaviors.

If such a view is true, why must an individual still be 18 years of age to purchase adult magazines?  Why do adult websites (although grossly unprotected) still have a warning page telling minors to turn back?  Why is adult material not sold at every grocery store, drug store, and 7/11?  The answer is because society has decried, through law and policy, that such behaviors are NOT appropriate for minors.  They may be inappropriate to adults as well, but let us leave that for later.

2.  Boys are allowed to take part in illegal activity.

Why shouldn’t they?  Viewing pornography is defended as a harmless crime where nobody gets hurt.  Please, by all means, tell that to the wife whose husband divorced her because of pornography.  Tell that to the daughter, who found out her father is being arrested because he was looking at pornography of girls that were her age.  Tell that to the individuals that are in inpatient programs because they had the strength to admit their weakness.  Tell that to the church congregations or church constituents whose trust has been obliterated because their pastor or political representative was caught viewing pornography while on the job.

3.  Women’s bodies are not worthy of respect and affection, but are simply there for pleasure, admiration, and lust.

Nakedness is indeed beautiful.  I am not stupid to the point of saying otherwise.  But what must be understood is that viewing nudity is an extremely intimate experience.  Yet pornography is one-way intimacy.  Instead of women sharing is this intimacy, it is a man, viewing, wishing, desiring, and judging a woman who is simply a picture on a page.  Yes, she may have been paid a great deal of money, but the overwhelming percentage of women in the porn industry are not making big bucks.  Instead, they’re shelling out cash for medications, surgeries, abuse shelters, and legal fees.

I often compare pornography to smoking marijuana.  Many people will consider both to be harmless activities.  I argue they are similar for two fundamental reasons.  First of all, they can be enjoyable activities, but the enjoyment is seldom satisfied by just one experience.  This leads to the second issue, that both often times are gateway actions.  As marijuana often times leads to eventual usage in harder, more dangerous substances, so soft pornography often leads to harder, different, or potentially unnatural pornography.

For this reason, I treat Pornography Addiction VERY seriously.  Within treatment, clients can expect the following:

1.  Patience, Encouragement, and Accountability

2.  Establishing healthy and appropriate coping techniques that can be implemented throughout the day

3.  Assistance searching for and establishing  support networks that can be used to receive accountability and strength outside of the therapeutic setting

4.  Answers to “What is missing that has been filled through viewing pornography?”

The process towards recovery starts with acceptance.  That does not mean acceptance has to be obtained before entering therapy.  If you have a nudge or if you know of a loved one that is struggling, the road to recovery is a simple phone call away.  I look forward to coming alongside you in your moment of weakness in order to regain strength and hope.

Mitch Young, MA LPC

This is one the most common complaints I hear as a marriage counselor.  There are very few things in this world that are as infuriating as not being heard.  Not being heard makes us feel unloved, uncared for and disrespected.  When we argue with our spouse and they don’t listen to us we feel demeaned and unimportant.  Worse off we get angry at our spouse for being a selfish narcissistic jerk!!!

Slow down.  It is not as bad as you think.  Affective listening is not just the responsibility of the person being spoken to.  The person giving the message has responsibility also.  These are just a few tools you can use to help your spouse listen to you and for you to feel heard.

1.) Do unto others… The golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated.  Listen, and communicate back to the person talking to you that you understand what they are saying and the message behind it.

2.) Don’t expect to be heard in an argument.  No listens in an argument.  Two people yell, repeat, and explain their side without truly listening to the other person.  Take a one hour break and come back to the topic once both parties have calmed down.

3.) Use “I” statements.  No one likes to be scolded or lectured.  Don’t say “you never take out the garbage,” or “you never listen to me.”  Use I statements and say how a particular behavior made you feel.  Try “I feel hurt because when you interrupt me it communicates to me that you are not listening.”

4.) Never use Never.  You want an argument?  Use “never” or “always” in a statement.  What will happen?  Your spouse will cite the one time they actually did/didn’t do that action.  Instead use “often,” “seldom,” etc.

These are just a few tips in how you can improve communication with your spouse.  Hopefully as you practice them your spouse will catch on and both of you will feel heard.  If not, bring them in to see me.

Grant Stenzel MS, LPC