Anxiety Series

Part 1: Deflating the Danger

By : Anne Shragal , M.A.

Panic Attacks versus Danger

Millions of people suffer from panic attacks. A panic attack is a sudden surge of mounting physiological arousal in the response of encountering a phobic situation. What makes a panic attack unique to any other life-threatening situation? The answer… you are having intense body reactions without or in the absence of any immediate danger. Some of these body reactions can include: sweaty/clammy palms, rapid heartbeat, shaky, nausea, dizzy, feeling faint, etc. Take some time and think about some of your bodily symptoms.

Inventing Danger

Did you know that it is very common for individuals who are having a panic attack to invent or create danger? This is known as catastrophizing thoughts. For example, say someone has the intense body experience of nausea. This person is likely to invent a dangerous thought such as, “I’m going to throw up!” Additional thoughts contributing to panic attacks could be, “I’m losing control. I’m having a heart attack. People will think I’m crazy. Something is really physically wrong with me.” Now take some time to write down some of your common catastrophizing thoughts.

The Cycle

Ok, so you’ve thought about your body reactions (symptoms) and your catastrophizing thoughts. Now, lets put these two ideas together. The cycle begins with a symptom. Because of this symptom, you then invent a dangerous thought. Because of this thought, our body goes into “fight or flight” mode, intensifying the symptoms… And the cycle begins all over again. What keeps the cycle going is  through anticipation. Our brains store these feelings and thoughts and then reminds us of them when  we encounter a similar situation(s). For those visual learners out there, it looks something like this:

Symptoms

“Fight or Flight”                                                 Invent Danger

Thoughts

Now it’s your turn. Pair up your symptoms with the corresponding thought. For example, if you put rapid heartbeat as one of your symptoms, you may also be thinking, “I’m going to pass out.” How about if you feel faint, you may think, “I’m going to make a scene.”

Avoiding the Cycle

Pay close attention. Here is where I tell you how to get rid of your panic. YOU ARE NOT IN ANY REAL DANGER. The key to avoiding the cycle and decreasing your panic attacks is by understanding that what your body is going through is not dangerous. Reality is that a panic attack cannot cause you to (for example) throw up. Having the flu or eating bad food causes you to throw up.

By using coping statements, we are reminding ourselves of the reality of our symptoms. Some of these coping statements may include: “This isn’t an emergency. It’s ok to think slowly about what I need to do.  These are just thoughts, not reality. So what. Nothing serious is going to happen to me.”

Take some time and think about your coping statement(s). Do you have it? Now, go get a rubber band and write this thought on it. Wear the rubber band for an entire week. Anytime you are having a panic attack, the rubber band acts as a reminder to put yourself back in reality.

I’m Having a Panic Attack…

When you are experiencing a panic attack, ask yourself the following four questions (you may want to write these down and carry them with you):

Are these symptoms I’m feeling truly dangerous? (You’re answer should be NO.)

What is the worst thing that could happen to me right now?

Am I telling myself anything that may make it worse?

What is the most supportive thing I can do for myself right now?

If you are experiencing anxiety/panic attacks and would like additional assistance, please contact Anne Shragal 630-588-1201 x.325 to set up an appointment. If you are a junior high or high school student, you may also be interested in my Adolescent Anxiety group where students your age come together to discuss similar stories of anxiety and work through them.

Source from the Anxiety Workbook.

By Meagan Witt, LCSW
Stenzel Clinical Services

If you step into a school for merely five minutes the excitement surrounding summer is apparent and has been resonating throughout the hallways since the students returned from Spring Break.  Summer plans are echoing off the walls of the school – spending time in the warm weather, vacationing, summer camps, swimming at the pool and LOTS OF FREE TIME!  Free time can be a good thing as it provides an opportunity to relax, spend time with friends, or take care of things around the house; however, it can also be a difficult time for children, adolescents and their parents.  For everyone, the lack of structure can be a welcomed relief, but also a challenge for many.  As a parent, how can you help your child manage all this free time?  Better yet, how can you help yourself maintain boundaries and expectations with your children when school is not providing homework and the necessity for early bed times?

For the parent of the elementary age child:

Attempt to implement some structure to the day.  Remember, your child just got out of school and is used to having a routine, so if you implement the structure from the first day, it will be easier to get them to follow suit.  Please do not misunderstand the suggestion, it’s not that you have to have a rigid plan to follow hour by hour, but some small routines may decrease the chaos and make it easier to manage your child.  For example, you can start by having your child wake up at the same time each day and follow the same routine each morning – eat breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth, etc.  The morning is also a good time to have your child work on any summer school work provided by the classroom teacher to minimize regression over the summer.  If the school has not provided anything, this is a time when your child can read for 20 minutes, work on math problems, or other academic skills that are important to maintain.  Throughout the rest of the day, time can be filled with summer camps, going to the pool, having a friend over, or playing with the neighbors.  Perhaps you could have some regular activities planned during the week.  For example, on Wednesdays we go to the pool with the kids next door.  At night, follow a similar routine to the morning with a scheduled bed time and bed time routine – brush teeth, put on pajamas, read a book before bed, etc.  The hope is that implementing structure will simplify your life so that your child can do many things independently or with some reminders, and also know that bed time, means bed time.  When school starts, the transition back to a full school day will be easier because your child has already been following a routine all summer.

For the parent of the adolescent:

While adolescence is a very exciting time, it can also be a very scary time.  The influence of friends is increasing as well as the level of independence.  As a parent, it is difficult to find balance between allowing the needed and expected freedom and continuing to hold your child accountable and know where they are and with whom.  Similar to the elementary parent, implementing some type of morning and evening structure allows you to set boundaries with sleeping in, and going to bed at night, as well as letting your child know that “free time” does not mean that he or she does not have any responsibilities or expectations.  Scheduling summer camps (sports or other), having some type of summer job (this can be as simple as mowing the lawn for the neighbors), or any other type of scheduled events are helpful in eliminating free time when your child can get into trouble.  The ultimate goal is for your child to enjoy some new freedoms, while continuing to follow the rules and expectations of the house.  Similar to the elementary parent, summer structure can help make the transition back to school easier.

As mentioned, your kids are excited and ready for summer and all that it has to offer.  Just remember it is possible to maintain some structure and balance throughout the summer months.  Structure will help make the transition to “free time” and then back to school in August smoother, as well as allow you to set some expectations with your children.  Good luck and enjoy the warm weather!

Meagan Witt, LCSW, is a counselor at Stenzel Clinical Services as well as a social worker at Neuqua Valley High School in Naperville, Illinois.

By Grant Stenzel, MS LPC
Stenzel Clinical Services

Arguing just doesn’t work.  We all believe that we are logical and therefore a logical argument should work.  When was the last time in the middle of an argument that you provided a very logical reason why you are right and your spouse just stopped and agreed with you?  Time is up.  Couldn’t think of it could you?  Making logical arguments in the middle of an argument is therefore illogical.  Doing the same action over and over and expecting a different result is what?  That’s right: insanity.

I am not saying the arguing is inherently wrong; I am simply asserting that it is not effective.  For the most part, during an argument our goal is to be heard and understood.  How likely is it that we will meet that goal if we create an environment where the person gets defensive?  We as humans don’t like to be wrong.  We will argue even if we are wrong; this is human nature.

So what is effective?  Making unarguable statements.  For example:

“You are always yelling at me.” This is a VERY arguable statement.  I guarantee if you say this the person will bring up the one time they didn’t.  Your message is lost, and the argument will now start.  Think about it, what was the goal of this statement?  It was to explain that you don’t like to be yelled at, you are being yelled at, and you would like the yelling to stop.  Is the statement “You are always yelling at me,” going to meet your goal?  Nope.

“I feel hurt when you yell at me, could you use a softer tone?” The fact you are hurt, is pretty unarguable, you are hurt; someone can’t really say that you aren’t.  Starting with “I” bring ownership to the statement and not blame.  The statement doesn’t infer malicious intent; it simply defines a behavior you would like to stop.

Conversely, what do you do when your spouse comes at you with an argument?  I am assuming that you have tried defending yourself, explaining your motive, as well as trying to explain the wrong that the person has done to you.  These methods ever work?  I didn’t think so.  When people argue they often repeat, yell, or continually restate their point using different words.  The reason is they feel unheard and misunderstood.  So what is the most effective way to deal with someone that starts an argument with you?  Listen.  Truly listen to their message and determine what they are really trying to say.  Then reflect their message back to them to see if you are correct.

So what is more effective?  We will say that your spouse says “You are always yelling at me.”  Here are two possible responses:

“Well I wouldn’t have to yell if you would just learn to listen.” Here is another guarantee, this is going to turn into an ugly argument or the person is going to walk away angry and hurt.  Either way, it is not effective.  If someone is coming at you with an argument their method may not be good, but their desire is to be understood and to improve the relationship.

“I am sorry you feel that I yell too much.  I can understand why you wouldn’t like that.  I will work on that.” After you pick your spouse up from the floor, they may ask you what you really said or if aliens had taken your body.  Will this work every time?  No.  However, you have a much better chance of a calmer conversation with this opening.  Remember, people just want to be heard and understood; if you do that it will often calm them down.  Plus, this is how you would like your spouse to respond to you.

Furthermore, you can validate their emotions and their point.  You don’t have to agree to validate.  In the above statement there is no agreement with the statement of “always yelling.”  However, you would be validating what the person is trying to say and what they feel.

Some examples of validating statements: (obviously you can’t use a sarcastic tone)

Wow, I didn’t realize I was doing that.
I am sorry.
I can understand why you are mad.
Yeah, that would upset me too.
I don’t blame you for being hurt.
That must be difficult to deal with.
You have a good point, let’s talk about this.

These statements will not just validate your partner, but more often than not will defuse the situation.  Wouldn’t you like to hear these from your spouse?

In marriage we often think we are the one trying and our spouse isn’t.  We listen, we try and change, we work on things but our spouse does nothing.  As a marriage counselor I hear this all the time; from BOTH spouses.  How can it be that both people think they are trying but the other isn’t?  That is how the human brain works.  We justify ourselves, we understand why we fail and we see each time that we are putting forth effort.  On the other hand, we assume malicious motives when our spouse hurts us and we don’t see the effort they are trying to put forth.  You don’t know every time your spouse bites their tongue, does things around the house, or is mentally trying to better themselves.  Realistically, you see 100% of what you do and 25% of what your spouse does.  Using these numbers, your spouse would have to do four times as much as you for you to feel that the effort put forth by both of you is equal.

I believe, for the majority of marriages, we have two people with good motives and bad actions.  I know, you are the only one with good motives, but your spouse believes they are the only one with good motives.  Why does this happen?  Our actions communicate that we don’t care, even if we do.  If your spouse comes to you with a problem and all you do is defend yourself, they are going to think you don’t care or just won’t listen.  Even though you hear everything they are saying, by arguing back you non-verbally communicating that you disagree and don’t care.  There are many other examples of where our actions mis-communicate our intentions.

Here are some rules of engagement, or fair fighting guidelines:
Conflict is inevitable; it is how you resolve conflict that will determine how well you get along.  Arguing just doesn’t work, it is not effective.  However, if you follow these guidelines, things should go smoother.

The “No” list

No name calling
No yelling
No going off topic
No use of the words: “never,” “always,” “whatever,” or “how many times have I …”
No sarcasm
No mind reading, do not tell the other person their motive or what they were thinking
No use of intimidation, threats or violence
No starting a sentence with “you”
No explaining why, it doesn’t really matter
No “one upping” I might have done ______ but you did _______ and that is worse!
No minimizing your spouse’s emotions
No attacking your spouse’s character
No responding to a complaint with your own complaint
No repeating over and over the same thing
No generalizing
No eye rolling
No assuming they are trying to hurt you

The Do’s

Listen (earn the right to be heard)
Call a time-out when things are escalating, there is yelling or you are getting nowhere
Come back in 1 hour after the time-out
Be honest
Apologize for what you have done wrong
Validate
Use reflective listening (so what I hear you saying is that you feel ______ when __________ happens) No sarcasm though!
Start sentences with I
Use this simple formula “I feel _______(emotion) when you_________(behavior) I would like __________ (positive behavior)
Example “I feel hurt when you yell at me, I would like you to speak in a calmer tone.”
Validate emotions
Point out behaviors that you are unhappy with
Be specific
Remember you love this person and they love you
Remember your spouse is not perfect and to expecting them to be is ludicrous
Treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated

The Holidays may seem far away, but they are quickly approaching!  Christmas and New Years are festive and fun for most people.  However for others, it can be a difficult season. Our media unknowingly puts pressure on people to have joyful holidays.  Therefore, individuals often believe if their family does not live up to these expectations there is something wrong.

The holidays are also when we see a rise in depression, suicide and self-destructive behavior.  The causes vary tremendously.  Some people struggle because they have lost loved ones and are remembering holidays past where they enjoyed their presence.  This can be especially difficult for people who have lost someone in the last year and this is their first holiday without their loved one.

Next, people struggle because their family is dysfunctional.  Family members may drink too much, there may be fighting and screaming, or families may even not get together due to unresolved conflict.

New Years, too, can create an environment of pain.  People look back on a year of unfulfilled dreams and promises to themselves.  People who have recently had families break up may feel alone.

Stenzel Clinical is here to help you and your family with any struggles you may have through out the holiday season.

Jennifer Stenzel, MA LCPC

During a recent training seminar for my full-time position as an Intact Family Case Manager, I was reminded why pornography is such an important issue to tackle through my job as a professional counselor. My fellow trainees and I were sitting in a room discussing various cases that could potentially be safety issues within the family.  As the case examples filed through, we eventually came upon a fictional case (we’ll call it the Bobby case) where a teenage boy (”Bobby”) was fearful of his father because his father stated he had physically punished Bobby, a 13 year old male, and was not finished with him.  Why?  The son had been caught looking at Playboy magazines.  My trainer led into the case by stating, “Ok, let’s look into the ‘Bobby case,’ whose parents won’t let him be a boy.”  Needless to say, I was shocked because of three basic assumptions that can be deduced from such a perspective.

1.  Male homo sapiens are on this planet to be pleased immediately, despite what boundaries or structures are in place to prohibit certain behaviors.

If such a view is true, why must an individual still be 18 years of age to purchase adult magazines?  Why do adult websites (although grossly unprotected) still have a warning page telling minors to turn back?  Why is adult material not sold at every grocery store, drug store, and 7/11?  The answer is because society has decried, through law and policy, that such behaviors are NOT appropriate for minors.  They may be inappropriate to adults as well, but let us leave that for later.

2.  Boys are allowed to take part in illegal activity.

Why shouldn’t they?  Viewing pornography is defended as a harmless crime where nobody gets hurt.  Please, by all means, tell that to the wife whose husband divorced her because of pornography.  Tell that to the daughter, who found out her father is being arrested because he was looking at pornography of girls that were her age.  Tell that to the individuals that are in inpatient programs because they had the strength to admit their weakness.  Tell that to the church congregations or church constituents whose trust has been obliterated because their pastor or political representative was caught viewing pornography while on the job.

3.  Women’s bodies are not worthy of respect and affection, but are simply there for pleasure, admiration, and lust.

Nakedness is indeed beautiful.  I am not stupid to the point of saying otherwise.  But what must be understood is that viewing nudity is an extremely intimate experience.  Yet pornography is one-way intimacy.  Instead of women sharing is this intimacy, it is a man, viewing, wishing, desiring, and judging a woman who is simply a picture on a page.  Yes, she may have been paid a great deal of money, but the overwhelming percentage of women in the porn industry are not making big bucks.  Instead, they’re shelling out cash for medications, surgeries, abuse shelters, and legal fees.

I often compare pornography to smoking marijuana.  Many people will consider both to be harmless activities.  I argue they are similar for two fundamental reasons.  First of all, they can be enjoyable activities, but the enjoyment is seldom satisfied by just one experience.  This leads to the second issue, that both often times are gateway actions.  As marijuana often times leads to eventual usage in harder, more dangerous substances, so soft pornography often leads to harder, different, or potentially unnatural pornography.

For this reason, I treat Pornography Addiction VERY seriously.  Within treatment, clients can expect the following:

1.  Patience, Encouragement, and Accountability

2.  Establishing healthy and appropriate coping techniques that can be implemented throughout the day

3.  Assistance searching for and establishing  support networks that can be used to receive accountability and strength outside of the therapeutic setting

4.  Answers to “What is missing that has been filled through viewing pornography?”

The process towards recovery starts with acceptance.  That does not mean acceptance has to be obtained before entering therapy.  If you have a nudge or if you know of a loved one that is struggling, the road to recovery is a simple phone call away.  I look forward to coming alongside you in your moment of weakness in order to regain strength and hope.

Mitch Young, MA LPC