Divorce is one of the most painful of human experiences. It has been compared with the grief and pain of the death of a spouse. Indeed, the death of the relationship to the person one intended to spend the rest of life with is something that really must be grieved.

So, how does one navigate through the pain and hurt of divorce to come out the other end as a survivor? How can life be good again?

Life can be good after divorce, but it takes a lot of work, self-reflection and insight in order to get there. The key is to adopt a perspective that the experiences of divorce can be personally beneficial. As impossible as that sounds, people have the ability to redefine bad experiences into something that helps them gain insight into themselves, into their own relationship issues, and to allow the pain and grief to temper (make stronger) instead of consume.

In this way, bitterness can be transformed into acceptance, unforgiveness can be changed into freedom, pain and weakness can become healing and strength. The road to that place is difficult to navigate; but it is possible.

Here are some “turn-by-turn” directions that may be beneficial.

The First Turn:

The first turn is inward. Divorce can cause intense feelings of rejection. That rejection takes time to overcome. It takes a lot of emotional energy to deal with it and the subsequent pain and wounds. Just like surgery, there has to be a healing time. Psychologically, that means taking time for oneself (even when the demands on one’s time increases such as being the sole caregiver for children, taking care of a home alone, etc.). One must find time to look inside and develop moments of rest. Here is a list of suggestions:

• Sit in the dark and breathe
• Start a journal to record your thoughts and feelings
• Take the train instead of drive
• Walk at lunch
• Listen to soothing music
• Read something delightful
• Pray
• Meditate
• Exercise
• Go out to eat
• Take a drive in the country
• Close your eyes and take a deep breath
• Watch a movie (not animated!)
• Have coffee with a friend
• Have coffee by yourself
• Go to the woods, beach, mountains

Some of these are more time-intensive, others take just a moment. The point is that taking time for oneself helps create balance in an unstable and unbalanced situation.

The Second Turn:

Just as it is beneficial to take a short view of oneself, it is good to take a long view of one’s former spouse/partner. Even when it is impossible to become distant physically, it is possible to become distant emotionally.

In a marriage, people often receive some level of self-definition from a spouse. His or her opinion matters, otherwise the hurtful words and actions wouldn’t be as painful. This is natural. People want to be well thought of by their husband or wife. When that husband or wife thinks badly of the other it is easy for one to accept his/her opinion as truth. What must be remembered is that any negative opinions are generally fueled by a long history of negative interactions.

A person’s opinion of another is just that, an opinion. It is not necessarily fact and does not need to define one. Realizing this truth is the first step in becoming more emotionally detached from an ex. It is accepting that one’s ex-spouse has an opinion that is influenced and colored by his or her own inner turmoil and pain. Asking some reflective questions may help:

1. Does anyone else close to me hold the same opinion?
2. If a total stranger said some of the things my ex-spouse says, how would I respond?
3. Do I think of myself the same way my ex-spouse does? Why?
4. Is my negative reaction to some of the things my ex-spouse says driven by my own negative thoughts about myself or a belief that he/she is right?

The answer to some of these questions can be very revealing and give insight to the thoughts that can keep one stuck in depression, anger and bitterness. Releasing the anger and bitterness should be a major goal for someone moving on and growing through the divorce process. But how?

Re-Routing:

When speaking of “letting go,” the word “forgiveness” must be considered. This author has spoken to many, many individuals going through divorce and one of the universal questions is “how does one forgive?”

Forgiveness is not approving of the behaviors or opinions of someone who has caused pain.

A more accurate definition is:
Releasing the right to restitution and the desire for revenge.

There is nothing in the above definition about forgetting. One does not forget acts or words that are painful. But, through forgiveness, those painful experiences can stop hurting. The power they have over one can be alleviated.

The key is in acceptance. One must accept that that former partner is who he or she is. Disappointment and bitterness most often arise from unmet expectations. One expects something and gets something entirely different and this creates pain. Letting go of those expectations and accepting that other person for who he or she is can help free one from constant disappointment and hurt. It can also have a strong impact on that other person for the following reason.

When one has expectations of another that go unmet, one generally responds in negative ways toward that person. Arguments, nagging, hurtful words, stonewalling, just to name a few, are ways used to try and make that other person meet one’s expectations. The result is generally a negative response coming from him or her perpetuating and creating more pain.

Letting go of expectations and detaching emotionally gives that other person nothing to react to. If one accepts that one’s ex-spouse is a flawed human being and that there is really nothing one can do to change him or her, one can step back and stop trying to cause change in him or her, and begin to focus on one’s own personal growth and change. When that former partner no longer feels those expectations the need in him or her to “push back” is no longer there and the opportunity to see himself or herself differently arises.

Caution: Road Work Ahead:

Many divorcing individuals tend to find it too difficult to cope with the intense loneliness and look for someone to fill that emptiness. Entering into a relationship before one has had time to properly heal is like driving a car over a bridge that is not complete. Disaster often looms ahead.

The attention and excitement created by a new relationship can be deeply satisfying. However, that satisfaction tends to be only momentary. This is because one enters into these types of relationships for the wrong reasons. A healthy and satisfying relationship is one in which both partners care for each other and are focused on giving to each other. The basis of a rebound relationship is built on the need for one to take from the other person.

Initially, that may make the other person feel important and see themselves as a “rescuer.” However, a couple of things can, and usually does, go wrong.

First, one eventually heals from the pain and no longer needs rescuing. Since the relationship was begun as a rescue operation, the other person no longer fits into that role and the foundation of the relationship is no longer there. Feelings of resentment over the “rescuing” behaviors of that other person may build up or, patters of relating to that other person as a perpetual victim may create a co-dependent relationship.

It is the problem of pain and the desire to avoid it that drives the desire to enter into a replacement relationship or throw oneself into work or become consumed with other activities or even develop addictions. A better solution is to “embrace” the pain realizing that, in doing so, healing will come. It is OK to hurt. Hurt leads to a deeper understanding of self and can foster growth.

You Have Arrived At Your Destination:

Does one actually “arrive” anywhere? In the end, isn’t it all part of a journey? Many live their lives waiting for the next “thing” and not allowing themselves to appreciate the moment.  Divorce is one of those parts of life’s journey that is like driving through an intense snow storm. It can be blinding at times. There is the fear of spinning out of control. The real possibility of being stranded looms ahead.

Just remember, the storm does not last forever. It will pass. If one follows the map and stays on the road, one can get through to brighter days and a better place in life.

Parents and teenagers inevitably experience all kinds of conflict. This stage of development in the teen’s life is fraught with some major shifts during the ages of 13-18. The same could be said of the stage of parenting development that the parent experiences during the teen years of their son or daughter. 

The teen experiences adult emotions for the first time, begins to form opinions and to explore their identity in some real ways. For parents, their shift comes with the realization that they have a woman-child or man-child on their hands. Until this point, the parent only knows their son or daughter as the child–the emerging man or woman is as foreign to the parent as it is to the son or daughter. Many conflicts between parents and teens breed in situations where the son or daughter wants to shed the child-skin and discover the woman or man in themselves, and the parent wants to keep the child around a bit longer–after all, it’s all they know.

And who’s right? Well, both parties are right, to an extent.

Parents are right in that they still have the child inside them, and they need boundaries, like children do (“No, you still need a curfew. Yes, that skirt is a bit too short.”).  Likewise, teens are right in that they have the adult inside them that struggles for air and is desperate to experience life as an adult (Why can’t I have a tattoo if I want to? I don’t want my friends to see you pick me up from the movies”). Unfortunately, both parties tend to sit on opposite ends of this struggle, creating sometimes enormous conflicts and fights.

Some families handle these disagreements and arguments in a mostly healthy manner. Some do not. Some parents merely ignore their teen’s acting out behaviors, others respond with an iron fist of authoritarianism. In each of these approaches, there are inherent problems as well as useful solutions.

Total authoritarianism in parenting seems wrong, for some obvious reasons. Fights become control battles, and the teen can be driven to deep rage, depression and even suicide because they feel so helpless to have any say in their own lives. What is not so obvious is the cases in which there are even some useful solutions that can be brought about using more authoritarian parenting.

When a teen refuses to adhere to any rule of the household, or when the basic trust has been broken between parent and teen, an authoritarian approach can be useful for a time. Having strict rules and little freedom for the teen to make their own choices should be used when the teen’s behavior has become out of control. Trust must be earned, and freedom gradually should be brought back into the teen’s life. However, the manner in which the trust will be earned absolutely must be communicated to the teen. Otherwise more frustration and rebellion and broken spirits will flourish in the teenager. 

The main error in using this type of parenting as a primary method of dealing with conflict is that the adult in the developing child is completely overlooked and invalidated, day in and day out. When the day comes when they are sent out into the world, because they’ve rarely been given the opportunity to make their own choices under the safety of their parent’s home, they are completely unequipped to make the right choices as adults. They may rebel finally just because they finally can. Or they may feel so overwhelmed by adulthood that they may deny their need to make any adult decisions.

Simply ignoring a teen’s acting out behaviors tend to breed more acting out behaviors.
Why? Not only because the teen may be acting out to get the parents attention in order to get a reaction, but also mainly because they seek validation for the emerging woman or man inside of them. Ignoring a teens’ behaviors may not necessarily mean ignoring their teenager during conflict altogether, saying statements of emotional dismissal when they act out, such as, “Well, all teens say they hate their families, or all teens hate being at home”, or “He’s just going through a stage–he’ll grow out of it” are all examples of this “ignoring bad behavior” parenting approach. Inherent in these statements is a refusal to engage with the actual raw emotion or the specific behavior in question. And what is being created in the teen is more incredible frustration because the emerging woman or emerging man is not being validated or even acknowledged.

Think about it: if you’re in a conflict with a friend, and you say things in a passionate way for them to truly hear you, and they respond with, “Oh, you’re just going through a stage, you’ll get over it,” you are going to be even more disconnected from this friend because of their refusal to acknowledge your passionate cries. Just as in the previous approach, the adult in the son or daughter is not acknowledged or validated, they have just been dismissed. This is a type of permissive parenting that can even lead the teenager to believe that their behavior is not inappropriate–Mom and Dad don’t seem to be too bothered by it. It’s very possible that parents unintentionally can be rewarding this behavior by their attempts to remain unemotional and in control during conflict.

However, ignoring a teen’s acting out behaviors actually is appropriate in some cases. For instance, when a teen is persistently goading a parent to react to their outbursts or is attempting to have the parent validate their inappropriate behaviors, ignoring the attempts to do so is appropriate. However, ignoring should only occur after the teen’s inner adult has been acknowledged, and the desire to be an adult validated.

What’s a parent of a teen to do? In both approaches, the parents are not acknowledging, engaging, or validating the adult in the teenager. In both approaches, parent’s specific emotions about the conflict are also not being addressed in the conflict situation. either. Each party needs freedom to acknowledge their emotions, even in conflict. If a teen hurts his Mom’s feelings by his words or behavior, Mom saying so can be powerful, as long as it does not become manipulative to increase better behavior. Mom can acknowledge the man’s desire for speaking his mind in the teen, as well as communicate her own feelings in a healthy manner for the relationship to have a better chance of flourishing. For parents to realize they have a man-child or a woman-child is a powerful notion when both the adult and the child in the teenager are kept in view while dealing with conflict. It’s impossible to become overly permissive or too authoritarian with this approach.

I recently spoke to group of parents about how to help promote self-esteem in the home. Although social pressures and competition are not new concepts, these self-esteem deflators are definitely magnified in today’s generation of children. The pressures to stand out, be the best, or be “perfect,” are all messages children are receiving from their outside worlds. Decades ago, children would experience social pressures at school, but then return home and spend the evening with their families and/or their own thoughts, relieved from the outside social pressures. This concept is now extinct. The majority of kids these days are still connected to social pressures at home through technology. Cell phones, Internet, Ipods/Ipads, facebook; all these technological advances are allowing social pressures to leak into the home, no longer allowing the home to be a totally “safe” place.

Therefore, due to these excessive social pressures, the parent-child relationship is extremely important in order to A.) help counter the negative self-esteem messages children are receiving outside the home and B.) help preserve the home environment as a “safe” place that allows self-growth.

That being said, here are some important concepts that foster a positive self-esteem.

Feeling Unconditional Love

What this looks like in your child: Knowing that there are NO conditions to love. The child should feel, “I am loved and accepted for who I am, regardless of how I act.”

What parents can do to help promote this:

• Send love in many shapes and forms
• Show your children you love and accept them, always, even when they make mistakes
• Sandwich criticisms with messages of love and acceptance
• Understand there are few other relationships that promote this, so it is especially important for children to receive this from parents

Having a Sense of Power

What this looks like in your child: Knowing I can do something on my OWN, independent of anyone else. The child should feel, “I don’t NEED help, I can do it if I choose to.”

What parents can do to help promote this:

• Validate your child making healthy choices
• Validate your children when they speak their mind (model appropriate ways to speak up if necessary)
• Give your child choices that promote independence (that are developmental appropriate)

Having a Sense of Accomplishment

What this looks like in your child: Knowing I can achieve my goals. The child should feel, “I can do anything I set my mind to, and I can succeed!”

What parents can do to help promote this:

• Praise your child for accomplishments
• Balance the praise to fit your child’s needs based on their own internal motivation
• Recognize and reinforce small steps towards a larger goal

Self-Control: Feeling “in control”

Knowing I can choose what I say and what I do. The child should feel, “I am in control of my own body and behaviors.”

What parents can do to help promote this:

• Teach and model “I” statements
• Model responsibility for oneself, including one’s words and actions
• Praise instances of displayed self-control

Acceptance of Self

Knowing I am OK with who I am. The child should feel like, “Whether I win or lose or I am happy or sad, I am me, and I am OK with it! I accept me, regardless of whether or not others do.”

What parents can do to help promote this:

• Teach and model positive self-talk
• Talk to your children about how uniquely wonderful they are
• Validate and normalize all feelings your child comes home with

As parents, you cannot control all the messages that society sends your child regarding their worth. However you CAN control your relationship with your child, and the messages you send him or her. Promoting these concepts will help children build strong self-esteem, preparing them for society’s deflating messages and life’s challenges.

The recent signing of receiver Brandon Marshall to the Chicago Bears has created a new wave of public interest in Borderline Personality Disorder due to his own diagnosis and advocacy.

Personality disorders receive little attention from the media or the entertainment industry. They are also not part of the general public’s repertoire of psychological knowhow, which usually includes anxiety, depression, and ADD. Unlike the former issues, Personality Disorders are less common and more severe, and often require long term mental health treatment to produce significant progress.

BPD is called “borderline” because people with this disorder exhibit behaviors that are both neurotic and psychotic in nature. They live in the borderland, sometimes understanding they have serious issues but feeling unable to change (neurotic), sometimes being unable to recognize their reality is not the general reality of those in life with them (psychotic).

Personality is the combination of thoughts, feelings, and actions that result from our core beliefs and inherent tendencies.  It determines how we relate to others, how we deal with change, and how we understand ourselves. Our unique persona is affected by both genetic predisposition and environmental factors. The development of BPD appears to be greatly related to abuse, neglect, or exposure to trauma during childhood. Abuse and neglect does not have to be criminal; it can be characterized as a parent who loves conditionally or who behaves unpredictably.

Adults with BPD often have family history of personality disorders, bipolar, major depression, addictions, or broken relationships. The important feature is, during a time when you depend entirely on others for safety, love, and other basic needs, deprivation occurs. As a result, people become “stuck” at an emotional stage of infancy or young childhood because energies have had to be diverted to basic survival, rather than the nurturing of the internal self.

Features include:

• Impulse control issues
• Mood swings
• Difficulty coping with “gray areas”
• Trying to categorize all people and events as either good or bad (splitting)
• Dependence on others for a sense of self
• Inability to control rage (temper tantrums)
• Relational clingy-ness (separation anxiety)

As you can imagine, considering the above list, people with BPD find it extremely difficult to invest productively in themselves or others. They get involved with people for specific reasons, usually to meet a deep need they are not aware of pursuing. This endeavor goes one of two ways. Either the need is met so the relationship loses its purpose and fizzles out, or the need is not met and the relationship continues in an undulating fashion until it ends in a spectacular fit. This is not the result of a person with BPD not wanting long-term, loving relationships, but being incapable of creating or maintaining them.  Obviously this is a significant source of distress for people with BPD and contributes to the overall sense of worthlessness they experience.

There are numerous other traits and patterns associated with BPD, such as

• Inability to keep a job or dwelling
• Overuse or abuse of alcohol or other drugs
• Reckless spending and handling of money
• Risky sexual behavior
• Dangerous driving habits

People with BPD tend to be perceived as lying a lot, though it’s safe to assume that in most cases they are trying to tell the truth – they just have that different a perception of reality. A disordered personality is hard to control, hard to predict, hard to know. Sometimes people with BPD say they don’t know if they exist at all. This, again, is the result of having an incomplete sense of self. People and activity are absolute necessities for continuously reformulating the self. Think of how chaotic and terrifying it would be to feel that if you were alone, and not really doing anything, you would cease to exist. This terror drives the overall business, sleep deprivation, difficulty concentrating, and impulsivity that are further signs of BPD. Suicidal fantasies, plans, and attempts are common in the BPD population due to instinctual terror of being alone, unloved, and unknown.

If reading this article gives you pains because it reminds you of yourself or someone you love, please know that there is hope. BPD is a challenging disorder and overcoming it requires long term, dedicated work but it is possible to live a healthy and happy life – as evidenced by Brandon Marshall. Also, studies show consistently that the sooner you can be diagnosed and begin treatment, the better. Personalities begin to set over time and though I strongly believe people can always change, it does get harder the longer we stay entrenched in patterns.

Evaluation is the first step.
If you have a hunch you may have BPD, talk to a professional who can help you sort it out. Be honest. The more you share in therapy, the better. This encourages you to be open with yourself and open with another person and is the first step towards acceptance. Until you can accept that BPD is a part of your life and grieve over it, you will never begin your journey towards being the whole, loved, understood person you are meant to be.

Begin the journey towards being yourself. Remember, we’re here to help.

In Part 1 of this article, I defined 4 important ways that parent can help shape their children’s behaviors: Validation, Reinforcement, Modeling, and Punishment. Now we will explore how these techniques can be used in real life examples.  When parents come in and express difficulty in dealing with a child’s behavior or expression of emotion, I often find myself often telling parents to, “validate the feeling, but don’t reinforce the behavior.”

What does this mean?

Well, concretely, it means that there are many situations when a child is acting in a way you dislike/disapprove of, but the feelings behind the behaviors are real and important. This creates a difficult situation for parents because a careful and thought-out response can help to create a positive outcome; if executed correctly a proper response can help the child feel understood, cease the inappropriate behavior, and help replace it with a healthier behavior.

This concept is often more easily understood when applied to real life situations.

Example: The sometimes dreaded first day back-to-school separation scenario.

You are dropping your child off at school, and as you begin to walk away, your child becomes clingy, tears up, and asks for you to stay. You know that you can’t stay, but struggle with leaving her when you know she is upset and has a full day of school ahead of her. This is the perfect in-the-moment opportunity for you to recognize and validate the child’s feelings (fear, worry, sadness), but not reinforce the behavior (crying, running towards you, refusing school, etc).

An example of a good validating response could be to confidently state,

“I see you’re upset and I hear that you want me to stay (validating the feeling). Mommy is not upset and I know you will do GREAT today (modeling excitement). I am so excited for you to have a fun day and school and tell me all about it later over ice cream (positive reinforcement to stay). I love you and will see you soon.”

Then begin to walk away. Don’t wait for your child to give you permission to walk away; remember you are in charge, not your child. Additionally, speaking in an assured voice and walking away confidently will show your child that you (mommy) are not worried. This will hopefully comfort the child’s feelings and model a different way to respond without reinforcing her current behavior.

Keep in mind that as you respond to your child, you send many more messages than simply your words. As in any communication, it is important to be aware of the messages you are sending non-verbally. What is your facial expression saying? What does your body stance say? What tone of voice are you using?

For example, if in the same situation you bend down with a furrowed brow, slightly pout out your lip, and you tell your child in a higher pitched child-like tone, “aww, baby! Mommy will miss you so much too!” What message does this send your child? Perhaps a message that: Mommy is sad and potentially worried to leave me. This will only reinforce your child’s worry.

Remember, as humans we tend to match the behavior of those around us. Therefore as the parent, you should be the one setting the tone for the behavior. If you hold a confident body stance, with a positive attitude, your child will likely follow. Don’t fall into the trap of matching your child’s behaviors! If you are the parent who bends down and cries with your child, you are only matching your child’s behavior and sending the message that: “mommy is upset, so I  should be too.” Of course the first day of school can be an emotional day for parents, and sometimes a good cry is needed – but save it for the car! It’s not that your child shouldn’t see you cry ever, but in this situation, the reason a parent is emotional is not one a child can understand. And when kids don’t understand why a parent does something, they will undoubtedly come up with their own, incorrect explanation.

Another common example is: When your child is angry and throws the remote across the room.

Modeling a calm response that validates his emotion at the moment, but doesn’t reinforce his behavior could look like this:

“Bobby, I see that you threw the remote. That was a bad choice. I think you threw it because you are angry. It is ok that you feel angry, but not OK to let your anger out by throwing things. Sometimes when Mommy is angry I ________ (fill in the blank for a behavior that you want Bobby to learn). Let’s find a different way for you to be angry, because if you throw things when you are angry, you will have a time out.”

This is setting a clear tone that throwing when angry is unacceptable but feeling angry is OK. It also offers Bobby reinforcement to choose a healthier behavior or a consequence if he fails to do so. In this case it is critical that as you respond to Bobby, you remain calm as well, so your message matches your affact!

There are daily incidents you will run into as a parent that will allow you to help shape your child’s behavior in a healthy way. If you can try to catch these moments, you will not only be able to help your child learn appropriate ways of expression, but will capture the opportunity to help them feel understood as well, which will strengthen your relationship with your child.

There are several defined ways that parents can help shape their children’s behavioral responses, as well as help their children feel understood. I’d like to take a look at those with you in this article, with a second section that will further explain these reinforcement methods through common real life examples, in order to help you be prepared to implement these techniques with your own children.

There are 4 ways of communicating and responding to your child. When parents have a more honest awareness of how they communicate to their children, the messages can be more easily received and the relationship can be positively impacted. I believe gaining a better understanding of the following terms can help parents connect more effectively with their children.

Definitions:

Validation

As defined by Webster’s dictionary, the act of validating is: finding or testing the truth of something. Much more simply put this means: responding to a person in a way to make him feel that his feelings are real and true.

Why is this important? Because there are no “wrong” feelings. Although we may not always understand or agree with a person’s emotions, those feelings are real and significant to him. Does this mean all feelings are rational and logical? No. But are they real and true? Yes! And you can’t help a person navigate to a more rational and logical way of thinking until he feels understood. This means when a person doesn’t feel validated or understood, that person will typically continue with the same behaviors/emotions until he feels heard. Therefore, helping your child feel like you hear and understand what he is saying is necessary in order to help him move on from a particular situation.

Modeling:

Modeling is the ability to set an example using your own behavior. For a parent, this can be both a blessing and a misfortune at the same time. This is because modeling is the most available and impactful way to show your children healthy and appropriate ways to respond/behave. However, if you are not aware of what you model, you may end up setting inappropriate or unhealthy examples.

Reinforcement:

There are 2 types of reinforcement, positive and negative. All reinforcement refers to strengthening or INCREASING behavior. Positive reinforcement refers to increasing the likelihood of a behavior by adding something to the environment (i.e. a reward, praise, etc.). Conversely, negative reinforcement refers to removing or avoiding something in order to increase behavior (i.e. we continue to take medicine because it relieves/reduces our pain). In terms of shaping your child’s behavior, you will likely use positive reinforcement more often. Nevertheless, reinforcement can present in a multitude of ways and whether or not you are aware of it, you are (by your responses to him alone) reinforcing your child’s behavior on daily basis.

Punishment:

Although I will not be focusing on punishment, I do want to define it and compare it to negative reinforcement, because the two terms are often confused. As I mentioned, negative reinforcement is when something (usually something negative/undesired) is avoided or removed from the child’s environment in order to INCREASE a certain behavior. Alternately, punishment is when a consequence is added to the environment in order to DECREASE behavior. Therefore, a spanking, yelling the word “no,” grounding, etc. are all forms of punishment because a consequence was added to the environment in order to decrease (not increase) behavior.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of Understanding Your Role in Shaping your Child’s behavior, to examine real like examples that further explore a parent’s role in shaping their children’s unhealthy or unwanted behaviors.

If you are a man, this article probably has peaked your interest.

If you are a woman, you are probably looking for reasons to kill me.

But hold on, ladies. If you read the article, you will probably agree with everything I have to say here.

Many times while having a couple in my office, I have asked the husband if he would like to learn how to get his wife to shut up. Each time the wife gives me an odd look – but after explaining my theory, each wife tells her husband to listen to me.

Gentlemen: If your wife is nagging, yelling, repeating, whining, or doing any other annoying acts of communication, you are probably sick of it.

Well, they are too!

They don’t want to be doing any of these things. They feel guilty and ashamed that they do them. The problem is they feel unheard. Now, I didn’t say they were unheard. I said they feel unheard. You probably have heard them, but each time you may have said “yeah, OK Honey,” “Uh huh, yeah whatever,” or “That’s fine.” Each of these statements and others like them communicate, intended or not, that you don’t care and that you are not listening.

Other ways we can make our wives feel unheard are:

Watching TV while you are having a conversation

Interrupting

Arguing

Sighing

Rolling your eyes

Getting defensive

Giving solutions (this seems logical, but trust me, it doesn’t work)

All of these are going to make you wife FEEL unheard; and when she feels unheard she is going to keep trying to get her message through your thick skull into she FEELS like you understand her. So the logical conclusion (I know we men all claim to be logical) is to try a different solution to the same problem. Try listening AND making her feel heard and understood.

How do I do that? Well, I am glad you asked.

First, you need to work on your non-verbal communication.
Turn off the TV, look her in the eyes, sit down with her, sit leaning forward, nod as she talks, and don’t give her your quick solution. I know we as men have good motives in this but they don’t want your quick solution. We see our wives do the same thing over and over and it keeps getting her upset. The logical solution would be to make a change to her behavior, right? Well, you have been giving her “logical solutions” and that hasn’t worked yet either, so….

Early in my marriage, my wife came home upset about her manager at work. I started into my speech about how to solve that problem that she had told me about many times before. She grabbed my hands, looked into my eyes and said “Grant, I don’t need you to solve it, I just need you to listen.” What great advice. All my “wise advice” hadn’t worked yet; so the greatest way to solve the problem was to listen to her.

Let me tell you guys, listening - real, active listening - solves the problem much faster than any quick answer you try to throw at her. I know you are scared that she is going to talk your ear off if you do this, but trust me, once she gets it out of her system she will be fine. She just wants to connect with you. It is not about the problem. It is about sharing her life with you. It is about you understanding her and being on her side. She just needs to vent and have you still love her.

Next time you are in a restaurant or other public place, watch how women talk to each other. When one gets mad, the other gets mad with her. When one is sad, the other gets sad with her. Women relate this way. They aren’t mad at you when they are yelling about the kids. They are frustrated and they want you to understand their frustration. So don’t take it personal, guys.

The other important part of active listening is giving feedback.
Truly try and understand what she is saying and feeling. It is not about just shutting up and listening, and it is not about telling her she is crazy for feeling the way she does. It is about reflecting back what you hear your wife saying. It is about explaining that you understand what emotion she is feeling. If you don’t understand how she is feeling, ask her. Trust me, she will explain it to you.

Say you come home and your wife snaps at you with a “I can’t handle these kids anymore! They are driving me nuts!” She is just asking for some understanding. Instead of saying “Well, I had a hard day too!” and probably starting a fight, try “Wow, I am sorry to hear you have had a tough day with the kids, you must be exhausted.” After she asks where you put her real husband or if you had a recent head injury, she is going to start to calm down. You are now giving her what she is looking for, understanding. All humans, even men, desire to be understood.

We often as men don’t like when people show emotions. It makes us uncomfortable so we try to give a quick solution so WE feel more comfortable. This just shuts your wife down and unintentionally communicates to your wife that you don’t care about her. Remember, just because she is raising her voice doesn’t mean she is mad at you. Stop taking everything so personally.

You can do it. You can stay engaged with your wife without running from her emotional reaction. Show her that you understand and that you care. Then, she will feel understood, calm down and go on with her life.

People can be afraid of literally anything:

Snakes. Sleep. Germs. Airplanes. Malls. Relationships. Pogo sticks. Even a toothbrush going through the back of your head.

But as varied as one’s external, concrete fear may be, they can all be melted down to one primal fear: Xenophobia – Fear of the unknown. We don’t know if the snake will bite or we’ll have bad dreams. We don’t know if we’ll get sick, or crash, or be able to get away. You cannot know if you’ll be heartbroken, leg broken, or brain dead from a garish toothbrush injury.

Fear of the unknown is universal, but it seems to take form most commonly in three basic human fears: Fear of Death, Fear of Abandonment or Fear of Failure. As people seek to live ever-longer and more secular lives, as we further isolate ourselves from each other through technology and individuation, and as the societal and relational pressure to perform increases, we see the prevalence of these fears increasing concurrently. Along with the increase in fear, there is an increase in specific negative behaviors that, while they are meant to compensate for fear, only serve to make our worst fears come true. But this need not be the case. Your core beliefs have a weighty influence on whether you’ll be ruled by fear, or rule over fear.

Any fear related to potential physical suffering, bodily harm, illness, actual death, or the afterlife is usually linked to a fear of death.

If you’re afraid of rejection, humiliating yourself, or ending up alone despite your best efforts, fear of abandonment is what haunts you (and probably your relationships).

If your worst nightmare involves performing a task poorly, being unable to financially support your family, receiving a “C” in a class or your kid getting arrested for pot even though you raised him better than that, you’re battling a fear of failure.

Of course, any of these fears can also be experienced simultaneously and they really bleed together in a continuum rather than falling in to neat categories, but for the sake of problem solving, we will proceed by treating them as three separate issues.

From an existential and philosophical perspective, fear of death is really our subconscious realization that we are not gods and therefore, not in control of even the simplest thing- our own lives. We fear death because there is no way to know for sure, from a scientific standpoint, what happens afterwards (again, fear of the unknown). But we also fear death because we fear physical pain.

Much of life nowadays is spent trying to live the most convenient and happy life possible but this is a relatively new goal. In ages past, existential meaning had a much more prominent place in culture because it was one of the only ways to cope with suffering. When half your children died before they were 10 years old, or there was no hope of ever being freed from slavery, or being raped and beaten by your own husband was acceptable, believing there was a better life coming and that your children were already there was really all you had.

But now, with the advent of modern medicine, civil and women’s rights, and the potential for a relatively comfortable life in hand, people of the western world have a much lower tolerance for any kind of pain. Even more, with the decline of the apparent “need” for theological beliefs, people have increased difficulty making sense out of pain when it does occur. Instead of accepting pain as a part of the life experience, people feel a sense of injustice and indignance about pain and they want to blame somebody for it. This has led to the dramatic rise in lawsuits and, I believe, contributed to the rise in broken relationships. The fact is, pain is a part of life and certainly an inescapable part of being in relationship. Trying to avoid it by avoiding “imperfect” people or relationships will only lead you in to the next fear category – loneliness.

The most common signs that someone lives with a fear of abandonment are relationship sabotage, relationship hopping, self-victimization, and narcissism. The act of sabotage is carried out when you bring about your worst fear intentionally, as an attempt at controlling the pain, before the one you love can do it first. People do this as a consolation to themselves when they feel rejection is inevitable so they can at least say “actually, I am the one who broke it off.” Relationship hopping is seen when an individual only stays in relationships for a short time, then moves on directly to another relationship. This person hates being alone, but also fears the true self being rejected. So they move on before a deep attachment can be made. Never alone, but never truly known either.

Self-victimization is incredibly widespread. This is probably the behavior that overlaps most in all three fears because it means assuming a powerless role against your worst fear in hopes of avoiding responsibility when that fear comes to life. I see this most often, again, in marital counseling. One spouse will be so nasty that the other finally gives up – at which point the mean one says “see, I knew you would leave me.” Evading responsibility for our own pain is almost as unhealthy as pretending we  are just above all fear because we are so confident and smart and have it all under control. This is narcissism. A narcissist believes others are weak because they “need people”. They reject relationship based on the self-deception that they are better off alone. Sadly, these people usually are alone because it is hard to relate to someone who chooses not to live in reality.

Narcissism also translates into a coping skill for the third primary fear – fear of failure. In this venue, the narcissist believes they are not capable of failure and that anything appearing to be a personal failure is obviously the fault of someone or something else. They make a lot of excuses and must do so in order to maintain such a high level of denial. On a less dramatic scale, we have our cultural heroes of compensation: the perfectionists and the workaholics. These folks truly believe if they just try hard enough, they can learn to never fail, never make a mistake, never let anyone down. Unfortunately, these flawed coping skills are actually championed in our culture now. People no longer say they are perfectionists or workaholics as a negative attribute, they say it with a little smirk as they present you with their totally over-the-top report, or birthday gift, or nearly flawless physique. This is dangerous indeed because the pursuit of perfection – through any means – is a fruitless and therefore maddening effort. Failure, too, is a part of life. The key is not to battle against is tooth and nail, but to accept it when it comes, learn what you can, and move on.

Are you catching the theme here? These are not irrational fears that can be hypnotized away or shown to be ridiculous through calculated and continued exposure. You will die, you will be rejected, and you will fail.  Avoidance will accomplish nothing accept to lead to more of one or all of these outcomes. We must accept these realities; we must also accept that we will at times not have a villain to blame or a reason to name. This is why God is not and never will be obsolete. He will never leave you, His love is not earned, and He has conquered death.  Death, rejection, and failure will happen, but you do not have to live in fear of them.

As a substance abuse counselor and now a supervisor of counselors treating both substance abuse and mental illness, I hear about many different reasons clients relapse back into drinking and using drugs. Triggers that pull someone back into the life of abuse and addiction are as varied and numerous as there are people. However, the most common reason I see is an inability to cope with painful emotions.

At the top of that list is guilt and shame. When people cannot face something they have done or something they blame themselves for, they will try to avoid feeling those feelings.

This is natural for nearly all human beings. To keep from feeling pain we try many different ways to avoid emotions. We might throw ourselves into work, or push those emotional thoughts to the back of our minds. Some, unable to deal with difficult thoughts and emotions turn inward and isolate themselves. Others try to pretend everything is fine, while still others escape from their difficult reality through the use of media or other distractions. For the former alcoholic or substance abuser, the use of alcohol and/or drugs was a very effective way to stop feeling pain. It can become their “go to” coping device.

We all have to step back at times from thoughts and emotions that overwhelm us. Many coping mechanisms are benign and do not leave us any worse off; unless, of course, we don’t eventually come back to the real problem and deal with it effectively. For the former alcoholic or substance abuser who uses as a way to cope with his or her emotions, a devastating and potentially lethal cycle of addiction can begin all over again.

For a large number of individuals who struggle with addictions, guilt and shame are already issues they face. Some because of past issues from childhood; some because of the knowledge that they have manipulated and hurt the people that care about them in order to maintain their addiction.

Good substance abuse treatment includes teaching men and women how to deal with these painful emotions. That education should also include the understanding that an addiction is something that controls them. A person need to learn acceptance of the past as something that cannot change and how to have hope for the future. Another aspect of good recovery education includes techniques that can be used to help someone go through those painful emotions instead of trying to avoid them.

Here is a list of good coping skills that have helped many substance dependent individuals keep from falling back into abuse and addiction:

• Journaling: get into the habit of externalizing your thoughts and emotions in written form. Go back and read those entries and see those thoughts and emotions more objectively.
• Learn to take time to breathe deeply and slowly at times of high stress or when emotions become overwhelming.
• TALK TO SOMEONE! 12-step programs encourage the adoption of a sponsor for everyone struggling with addiction for a reason. Dealing with this alone can be too difficult. Would you get into the ring with a heavy weight boxing champion alone? Substance dependent individuals already know that their addiction is more powerful than they are. Don’t fight the fight alone!
• Get counseling: having someone to help address more serious life issues is important.
• Pray: Whatever your religious belief, prayer can be an important part of dealing with guilt and shame.
• Write a new script for yourself. We often play old tapes over and over in our minds; recordings of negative thoughts based on voices from our past or more recent voices, even our own. There is tremendous power in verbalizing new, more positive thoughts about ourselves.

Let me end with a story. A former client of mine, John (not his real name), was addicted to cocaine and alcohol. He shared his story with me, one that kept him from progressing in recovery. As a young boy he was playing with matches in his upstairs bedroom. His younger sister was with him at the time when the unthinkable happened – fire. Not knowing what to do he hid under the bed as did his little sister.

The fire department arrived and was able to rescue him, but his sister died of smoke inhalation. He stated to me that he remembered seeing them lift her lifeless body from under the bed.

The tragedy of being responsible for his sister’s death haunted him, compounded by the fact that his father blamed him for her death and took out his anger on him through physical abuse throughout the rest of his childhood. No one ever spoke to him about it.

Unable to deal with his guilt and shame and tired of the physical abuse, he left home early and began to make his own way in life. Early on he found that drinking and using drugs helped dull the pain of these powerful feelings. He could forget his sense of guilt and shame for a while. But, of course, the development of addictions began to make it all worse. Fortunately, he wound up in treatment.

Through counseling he learned how to stop the negative thoughts of guilt and shame. He was able to accept that, although his sister died in an accident he caused, it was an accident. He realized he was too young to know any better and that his father’s anger was misplaced. He was able to see that he was wrong to project his adult mind into his little boy body to say, “I should have know better.” He realized that he was not old enough then to know better.

The result of learning to cope with guilt and shame effectively allowed him to come to a more realistic acceptance of himself and his addiction and give him the ability to live in recovery. He found healing and freedom. Perhaps you can, too.

When someone says the words, “sexual addiction,” most people automatically think of men who seek out prostitutes or men who have continuous affairs—certainly not women and particularly not Christian women.

However, this stereotypical assumption is completely false.

According to Crystal Renaud, author of the book “Dirty Girls Come Clean,” more than 30% of pornography site visitors are Christian women.

If a Pastor or Christian ministry leader is mentioning the topic of lust or pornography, it’s not uncommon to hear the words, “Men, now listen up. Ladies, we know you don’t struggle with this.”

While this type of addiction creates much secret shame among its sufferers regardless of gender, it is even much more so for women who struggle with a sexual addiction because of this very accepted assumption that it is a merely a man’s struggle. This addiction among women creates silent sufferers that feel great shame and fear of judgment from others. There are few if any resources for women who would seek help for this addiction. New attitudes and perspectives need to be created that allow for the inclusion of women that deserve help in churches and professional settings.

Looking for a men’s sexual addiction support group? Thankfully, these are becoming much more commonplace in churches and therapy settings–there certainly is help available for these men. If you’re female and seeking help for this addiction, the available help is limited if not non-existent in the same places where men are being helped. Stereotypical attitudes about sexual addiction need to be checked with the reality of these hurting women.

Sexual addiction commonly has little to do with addiction to the sex act itself, particularly with women. It is, for both men and women, an intimacy disorder. True intimacy is nearly impossible to attain for those living in a sexually-addicted lifestyle. However, because women are more relationally oriented then men, a sexual addiction in a woman will look much different than in a man’s struggle with sex addiction. Women oftentimes struggle with a “love” addiction alongside a sexual addiction, which is a type of intimacy disorder in which the addicted person is obsessed with the “falling in love” feeling at the beginning of relationships, often leading the sufferer to move from relationship to relationship seeking this feeling, never maintaining a mature intimate relationship.

All the while loneliness and emptiness sets in, with the concurrent beliefs that only they can comfort themselves, others can’t be trusted to meet their needs and oftentimes the belief that intimacy with another person is found only in sex act. Extensive online pornography use, compulsive masturbation, seeking out anonymous sex, erotic literature, the use of sex-related online chat rooms and sexual use of webcams can all be symptoms that happen to women as well as men in a sexual addiction or a love addiction.

Sexual addiction treatment needs to be formatted specifically for women, with an emphasis on treating the intimacy disordered behaviors and thought patterns. Healthy intimacy behaviors can be taught and modeled. Groups can be especially healing for women, because they are more willing to verbally express their feelings in a group setting and they can receive the support they need from one another.

This needs to be talked about in churches, therapy settings, professional settings, and in everyday conversation for the secret and painful shame to decrease and freedom to be made available for this neglected population of women.