How To Stop Overthinking in a Relationship?

Overthinking can be a result of anxiety, insecurities, low self-esteem, and other things. Overthinking can cripple a relationship, so it’s a good idea to learn more about this tendency and about how to avoid it.

Overthinking Is Often Rooted in Wanting to Control the Situation.

A lot of us find comfort in a sense of control – it provides an illusion of predictable outcomes, and thus – the feeling of safety. At the end of the day, we all just want to feel safe. But control is never absolute, and we must learn to cope with that realization. We will never be able to have full control over what happens to us, and if we don’t find a way to accept that, we may develop anxiety. Though patterns are what determine quite a lot of our experiences, and it’s important to be able to utilize thought patterns with awareness.

What Is Overthinking in a Relationship?

Overthinking in a relationship is constantly trying to predict what can go wrong. This includes worrying about the future and having a lot of fear and doubt. Overthinking, or overanalyzing, may manifest as always trying to see the hidden meaning in people’s words or actions, instead of taking them at face value. This can create false narratives and lead to conflict in a relationship.

Why Do We Overthink?

Overthinking is a type of coping mechanism that our nervous system implements when we feel anxious. We feel out of control, so our body creates this false sense of control for us. Alas, in the long run, this tactic will only hurt us more, and the longer it goes unaddressed, the worse it can get. Overthinking is also often connected to depression and anxiety disorder.

Am I Overthinking?

What does overthinking look like? Do you tend to daydream and fantasize about all the worst-case scenarios that aren’t likely to happen, but ‘might’? Does it keep you up at night? You might be an overthinker.

Signs of Overthinking.

You are often distracted, not present
When you talk to others, you keep bringing up the same topic over and over again, not letting it go.
You replay conversations in your head over and over
You struggle to quiet your mind when trying to fall asleep
You struggle with focus

If you’re in a relationship, and it’s going well, how do you feel when you think of your potential future together? Do you feel excited and hopeful about what’s to come or does your mind immediately go to how scared you are to lose what you have? If you tend to assume a negative outcome, you might have a tendency to overthink. Let’s look at the types of overthinkers.

A closed book. Some people say about themselves “I’m an open book.” But this is never true for an overthinker. They often assume that everything they are presented with is a cover-up of the real story, a manipulation, or just a good old lie. Of course, at times those suspicions can be valid and confirmed, but sometimes we really do come across a genuine person, who wears their heart on their sleeve.
The biggest downside in this is lost potential connections that could’ve been great. This can lead to feeling alienated and dare we say – lonely, which only perpetuates things like depression. We urge you and encourage you to allow for the possibility, that the person in front of you might actually be genuine and honest when they tell you something.
Making yourself smaller. This is a tactic we sometimes resort to when trying to manage our relationship dynamic. Always trying to keep peace with fear of upsetting our significant other, not causing any conflicts. Your relationship might look very peaceful on the surface, but underneath – maintaining that peace costs you quite a lot of energy. Are you trying to foresee any and all of your partner’s needs to keep them happy? Are you bottling up emotions when you’re upset, not be the troublemaker? Do you maybe fear that your partner will leave or abandon you at the first sign of a conflict? No matter how harmonious this type of relationship seems on the surface – it can’t stay that way for long. Bottled emotions will come out sooner or later, so learn to manage them as they come, to avoid giving in to self-betrayal.
Glass half empty. They say, “take everything with a grain of salt”, but they don’t mean taking salt by tablespoons. A constant negative perspective on things doesn’t serve you in the long run. It’s important to try to get to the root of that negativity – is it insecurity, issues with trusting people or fear? Do you often feel like you’re sparing your partner instead of being on the same team? Look to the roots, because that’s not only where the real problems are, that is also where the solution to them is.

How to Stop Overthinking in a Relationship.

The first step is to identify what emotion those thought patterns stem from. Once you’re clear on that, try to discern what parts of the situation are under your control, and what aspects are not. From there, it’s good to tell yourself that what is out of your control is not your responsibility to worry about, and instead, focus your attention on those things you can have a say in. This will help you feel productive and will let you feel less anxious overall. It can help to talk to someone outside of your relationship – friends or a therapist. In the meantime, here’s what we recommend you do if you want to stop overthinking:

Escape the spiral. The thought spiral can lead you far away into the fantasy world or the never-ending “what-ifs”, so learn to intentionally get yourself back on the ground. Understanding your emotions is a skill, that can be developed. It can be uncomfortable at times, but the benefit of a healthier life is worth it, we promise. Our emotions point us in the direction of root trauma that we have, which is where correctional work can begin. You can free yourself from the chains of fear of abandonment, rejection, betrayal, and up your quality of life. A positive move in that direction will have a great effect on every aspect of your life, including your relationships. It can seem overwhelming at first, but once you start seeing improvement in your mental state, you’ll see, that most problems are solvable.

Stay present. Reclaim your control over the situation by directing your focus toward what you can realistically do today, that might help you, even if a little bit. Baby steps are still steps forward. If you don’t feel fulfilled in your relationships, try cultivating better relationships with other people – make new friends, have some quality time with existing ones, nurture your relationship with yourself. Don’t underestimate the benefits of spending time in nature – it can do wonders for your nervous system, and you don’t even have to do anything. Just be present and open. The trees rustling, the birds chirping, or other sounds of nature can have a very calming effect. Let yourself pause from worrying about what could happen or the past events that still have a grip on you, just for a few minutes – try focusing on what’s happening here and now, and you’ll eventually find that the present isn’t as bad as we think.

Staying in the present and keeping fears at bay can be very beneficial for your relationship as a whole. Gradually, big issues will overwhelm you less, and start looking much more tangible.

Talk about it. You don’t have to go through your troubles alone. Get second and third opinions on the situation – your concerns might get validated or debunked altogether. In different ways, both reactions can be helpful. Talk to a reliable confidant, who you know will be supportive and present. You can also take your concerns to a licensed therapist who knows exactly what questions to ask and where the roots of the matter likely are. They can also help with overcoming those root issues, once you’ve identified them.

And of course, communicate your feelings to your partner. They might help put some specific worries to rest by simply walking you through their thought process, or at the very least, just by hearing you out. They might be oblivious to some of your concerns, so it’s only fair if you tell them about what worries you and give them a chance to help. You might find that they are happy to alleviate some of your problems, but they can’t do that if they’re not informed in the first place.

“The first step is to identify what emotion those thought patterns stem from. Once you’re clear on that, try to discern what parts of the situation are under your control, and what aspects are not. From there, it’s good to tell yourself that what is out of your control is not your responsibility to worry about

Stenzel Clinical Services