Why Do We Argue If It Doesn’t Work?

Arguing doesn’t work. We all like to think we are logical, so a logical argument ought to win the day. When was the last time you gave a perfectly logical reason in the middle of a fight and your spouse stopped and said, “You’re right”? Time’s up. Couldn’t think of one, could you? Making logical arguments in the middle of an argument is not very logical. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is what? That’s right: insanity.

James puts his finger on the real problem: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1). Most arguments are not really about the dishes or the budget. They are about something we want and are not getting, often to be heard and understood. So I’m not saying arguing is always wrong. I am saying it is not effective. If our goal is to be understood, how likely are we to reach it when the other person is busy defending themselves? None of us likes to be wrong. We will keep arguing even when we know we are wrong. That’s human nature.

Say things that can’t be argued with.

So what does work? Making statements that can’t be argued with. For example:

“You are always yelling at me.” This is a very arguable statement. I guarantee that if you say it, your spouse will bring up the one time they didn’t yell. Your message is lost, and now the argument starts. What was the goal? You wanted to say that you don’t like being yelled at and you’d like it to stop. Will “You are always yelling at me” get you there? Nope.

“I feel hurt when you yell at me, could you use a softer tone?” The fact that you are hurt is hard to argue with. Nobody can really tell you that you aren’t. Starting with “I” puts ownership on the statement instead of blame. It does not accuse your spouse of bad motives. It simply names a behavior you would like to stop.

When your spouse comes at you.

Now turn it around. What do you do when your spouse comes at you with an argument? My guess is you have tried defending yourself, explaining your motives, and pointing out what they have done to you. Has that ever worked? I didn’t think so. When people argue, they repeat themselves, raise their voices, or restate the same point in new words. They do that because they feel unheard and misunderstood.

Scripture gives us the order of operations: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). So listen. Really listen, and figure out what your spouse is trying to say. Then reflect it back to see if you got it right.

Say your spouse tells you, “You are always yelling at me.” Here are two possible responses.

“Well, I wouldn’t have to yell if you would just learn to listen.” Here’s another guarantee: this turns into an ugly argument, or someone walks away angry and hurt. Either way, it does not work. When your spouse comes at you, their method may not be good, but what they want is to be understood and to make the relationship better.

“I’m sorry you feel that I yell too much. I can understand why you wouldn’t like that. I’ll work on it.” After you pick your spouse up off the floor, they may ask what you just said, or whether aliens have taken over your body. Will this work every time? No. But you have a much better chance at a calm conversation. People want to be heard and understood, and when they are, they usually calm down. Besides, isn’t this how you’d like your spouse to respond to you?

You don’t have to agree to validate.

You can validate your spouse’s feelings and their point without agreeing with every word. In that second response, you never agreed that you “always” yell. You simply showed that you understood what your spouse was trying to say and how they felt.

Here are some validating statements. Obviously, a sarcastic tone ruins all of them.

Wow, I didn’t realize I was doing that.
I am sorry.
I can understand why you are mad.
Yeah, that would upset me too.
I don’t blame you for being hurt.
That must be difficult to deal with.
You have a good point, let’s talk about this.

These don’t just validate your spouse. More often than not, they take the heat out of the moment. Wouldn’t you like to hear them from your spouse?

Why we both think we’re the one trying.

In marriage we often believe we are the one trying and our spouse is not. We listen, we change, we work on things, and our spouse does nothing. As a marriage counselor I hear this all the time, from both spouses. How can both people think they are trying and the other one is not?

That is how we are wired. We understand why we fall short, and we see every bit of effort we put in. But when our spouse hurts us, we assume the worst, and we miss most of the effort they make. You don’t see every time your spouse bites their tongue, picks up around the house, or quietly works on themselves. I picture it like this. It is not a measurement, just a way to see it: you notice all of what you do and maybe a quarter of what your spouse does. By that math, your spouse would have to do several times as much as you before things ever felt even.

Good motives, bad actions.

I believe most marriages are made up of two people with good motives and bad actions. I know, you think you are the only one with good motives. Your spouse thinks the same thing. Why? Because our actions can say we don’t care, even when we do. If your spouse brings you a problem and all you do is defend yourself, they will conclude you do not care or won’t listen. You may hear every word, but by arguing back you are telling them, without saying it, that you disagree and don’t care.

Fighting fair.

Conflict is going to happen. How you handle it decides how well you get along. Arguing doesn’t work, but these guidelines will help things go more smoothly.

Don’t:

Call names.
Yell.
Go off topic.
Use the words “never,” “always,” “whatever,” or “how many times have I...”
Use sarcasm.
Read minds. Don’t tell your spouse what their motive was or what they were thinking.
Use intimidation, threats, or violence. If there is violence or you do not feel safe at home, call 911. (More on getting help)
Start sentences with “you.”
Explain why. It doesn’t really matter in the moment.
One-up: “I might have done ___, but you did ___, and that’s worse!”
Minimize your spouse’s emotions.
Attack your spouse’s character.
Answer a complaint with a complaint of your own.
Repeat the same thing over and over.
Generalize.
Roll your eyes.
Assume your spouse is trying to hurt you.

Do:

Listen. Earn the right to be heard.
Call a time-out when things are escalating, someone is yelling, or you’re getting nowhere.
Come back in about an hour after the time-out.
Be honest.
Apologize for what you have done wrong.
Use reflective listening: “So what I hear you saying is that you feel ___ when ___ happens.” No sarcasm, though.
Start sentences with “I.”
Use this simple formula: “I feel ___ (emotion) when you ___ (behavior). I would like ___ (positive behavior).” For example: “I feel hurt when you yell at me. I would like you to speak in a calmer tone.”
Validate emotions.
Point out the specific behaviors you’re unhappy with.
Remember that you love this person and they love you.
Remember that your spouse isn’t perfect, and expecting them to be is ludicrous.
Treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated.

You won’t do all of this at once, and you don’t have to. Pick one thing from the list and practice it this week. When it starts to feel normal, pick another. And if you keep landing in the same argument and can’t find your way out, talk with us. We’d be glad to help.